Mother's day - The struggle.

The honest truth is that I love hate wonder STRUGGLE with mother's day. I struggle with genuinely accepting any wishes of celebration over me despite my very quick and polite 'thank you' smile or grin depending on how enthusiastic the wish was. 

Because the truth is my motherhood journey has been complicated.. Less than easy/straightforward from conception to delivery and right into the stages of raising a person:
 

 Do I love enough? Am I present enough? Why can't I provide enough? Will I screw up this child? Oh Lord..help me not screw up my child!! 

I'm fumbling.. A day at a time I'm fumbling but by God's grace and shepherding, I haven't completely dropped the ball (or child in this case).

So 'happy mother's day' to me is one big oxymoron. 

What's so happy about a day when I'm reminded even louder about my inadequacy? My huge list of not-doings? 

Celebrate my kid..let it be 'happy children's day'. Because he sure is a happy one..

Buuut you didn't know though, so thank you..for thinking of me and sending that beautiful forward/video/verse/message. 

An unusual friendship.

What an unusual friendship we often comment - we know the story: scrawny kid and the macho well-respected (and feared) best friend.

Can you see them walking down the street?

The broken and bruised man alongside THE HEALER

The rejected daughter beside and APPROVING & ACCEPTING FATHER

The child that feels like a nobody, friends with SOMEBODY great,

The powerless victim, orphan or widow defended by the ALL POWERFUL

The nothing-to-offer human and the ALL SUFFICIENT GOD giving EVERYTHING OF HIMSELF.

What an unusual friendship indeed - offered to everyone who would only believe..and receive, Jesus our Healer who grants us access to an accepting and approving Father who is SOMEBODY great, All powerful and All Sufficient God, who gave up HIS life - emptied Himself of all but love that we would have it all!!

John 15:13

Ears be opened...

God has given us capacity to hear Him. He has created in us various avenues to hear His voice. WE need to regularly check each of them for barriers or blockages.

May I hear YOU, God of heaven when You speak. 

Let my ears be open to Your call. 

May I be free from hardness of hearing. 

Grant me grace to hear and receive that which I have heard that I might live in obedience and alignment to You all the days of my life. 

Amen.

Alternate Realities

They frustrate me at every turn. When I appear to have been released/relieved on one end, they seek other ways to frustrate me. In the natural - from what is seen by the physical eye - they have all the power and I have none. They call all the shots, they hold my life, my future is in their filthy hands. The grip gets tighter.
They taunt me - playing mind games as if I were a child. I. am not. a child. I am an intellectual - well somewhat. But the games they're playing are a sick mix of patronizing & condescending, their sole purpose to kill my spirit, to kill the fight in me. They're determined to let me know I am small and they are big. I am weak and they are strong. I am because they let me be.

Lies they tell.

Despite the miserable start to this story, this tale, it is in fact a happy one. For you see there is a superior reality. One in which the spiritual trumps the natural order every.single.time.

For I have a Redeemer, a Rescuer. The Holy One is His Name. He sits exalted, high above all authority in heaven and here on earth. Get that? He is bigger, greater and more powerful than the physical bullies. And...and...and... He's my Dad! My Father is the Great I am Who has promised to take vengeance on my behalf, to supply me with strength, grace and power when I am pitted as the powerless. The battle's not over yet but I know the outcome already. Hidden in Christ, my victory, triumph and conquering is sure.

I will stay suited up.

I will stay hidden in Christ.

I will emerge victorious &

 GOD WILL BE PRAISED! 

Reminder in the waiting

The joy of the Lord is my strength. 

My joy is not from/because of my circumstances, it is from the Lord and IN the Lord. Even as I wait, I can still be joyful because I get my joy from AND in God - and I still have Him and He's got me. I can be strengthened for the work I have to do because my strength is not from the circumstances, it is from the joy of the Lord.

I choose to be joyous, to be excited AND grateful for today, for now and for what I do have. 

GRATITUDE IS THE ATTITUDE I CHOOSE IN THE WAITING ROOM.

My heart

💓I have but one heart - not two, or four, just one. How interesting that God would only give us one center of affection or devotion and then want it all?

💝You had it all - my focus, my love and my devotion.

You had it all - you won me over with your salvation.

Now you have all most of it because I CHOSE to give some of it away by fixing my eyes on every passing thing and every passing one. 

I'm trading You, the Eternal, for the temporary.

💔You have SOME of my heart. 

I know because I barely spend time with You anymore. 

My focus is life, living and being seen living. 

How ironic that I'd pursue those things apart from You, the Author of life and Jesus, Life Himself? 

So back to the altar I come, on my knees with my heart in my hands - and I offer it to you again:

"Take my life (heart) and let it be holy consecrated Lord to Thee."

Jesus: Man interrupted.

Lord,
Thank you for modelling reality. You didn't live in a bubble. You were in constant relationship with people. They demanded of You - time, energy, compassion etc and You always made time for them. You were often interrupted and allowed the interruptions in light of Your destiny.

Holy Spirit, 

Cause me to be sensitive to Your heart, Your leading, Your redirecting even interruptions. May I not be as rigid and controlling of me, others, situations etc - Ket me be free enough to be interrupted knowing that You are not confined to my plans, rituals or my prayer time. You continue to speak even past QT, even beyond church services and so I don't have to worry. I get to follow You and Your lead into this interruption.

Interrupt me Lord as You have done before. 

I choose not to sulk at interruptions. 

I choose to be thankful for the interruptions. 

I choose to see You in the interruptions

Signed: Girl interrupted by amazing grace.