3years later, HE is my only constant.

This morning I woke up to two thoughts. OK, just one of them.. The second one was on a friend’s facebook status but fuelled my thoughts so. Sssshhh.

Quote 1: There’s nothing certain in this world but death and taxes – Benjamin Franklin.

Quote 2: The only constant is change – François de la Rochefoucauld

I don’t usually wake up super serious and on this deep reflective tip, I promise. Usually it’s an ”oh gosh, it’s morning already...” Or “ooh yay – another day!” but I digress. I’ll make my point later in this post.

3years ago, on a cold June evening…7.45pm to be precise...I gave birth to a little big (intentional) baby – Yeshua William, who was a whopping 3.8kgs! I remember hearing him cry, then giving out a sigh of relief. I turned to my mother and said “I’m alive mum, I’m alive!” My younger sister, Joan, then burst into the room – anxious excited to see her new nephew.

Yeshua taking a bath at 1month

As I lay back trying to process all that had just taken place, oblivious of the ooh-ing and aah-ing that was going on around me… I had just one thought. My life is over.

How was I going to do this? How was I going to be able to walk around under the judgmental, eyes I was sure to encounter? The gossipers would have a field day! How would I respond to the questions of how? And why? And.. and…and… *tears*

My dad and Yeshua at 1 month, 12 days :)

I was very far from God at this point in my life. I was so disconnected from everything to do with Him because I knew I had disappointed Him really bad and I couldn’t go to Church either. What would they have to say? Ah, I had been part of the Christian circles way too long to know what the ‘encouraging sister and well meaning brother’ would be ‘discussing as a prayer issue later. And then my family – let’s not even go there. Though they were all being extremely and supportive, you could always feel the atmosphere full of questions – how? Why? And my parents wondering how they possibly could have missed this – how did I fall so far and had they failed as parents?

Anyway, without depressing you further… Let me tell you briefly how the next 3 years panned out with me still very sane (chuckles). There were lots of tears, some periods of emptiness and confusion, lots of prayers (from very many people!), words of encouragement, hugs, love etc. But honestly my mother made the most difference. She determined to be a channel for God’s love, light and life to me… And through her I was able to get reconnected to the source of all those things.. His unwavering LOVE, LIGHT to overcome the darkness I was experiencing and LIFE… Sweet, abundant, rich, pure, God-filled Life.

3years on, I proudly declare to the world how happy I am that I have a son who’s happy, healthy and growing so fast it’s scary.

They say time’s a healer… I disagree. Time only gets people off you as the main subject of conversation to the next. But the scars, the heartache, the fear, they are only dulled temporarily. And whenever something new comes up, a question about your decisions feel like an attack on your character, etc– they (fear, heartache etc) are re-awakened and it feels like it al just happened yesterday and all the progress you made, crumbles in an instant.

God has been my healer and my restorer. My best friend. He’s loved me and guided me slowly but surely to the place I’m at currently. Where I can speak with confidence about the past, not to glorify it, but to glorify Him. Where I can be me without caring what anyone else thinks – the only approval I need is His.  I am free, happy, blessed, loved and full of excitement for life. I am me.

Yes, change is constant (they say), death and taxes are certain (they say)… but I have tested and found true – that despite the change, the constant reality of death and the darn Revenue Authorities always digging into our pockets – God has been my Rock. My unchanging Guide, my one and only Constant.

My mummy and Yeshua last month (2 years 10.5months)

Happy birthday Yeshua. I love you from here to forever. <3