3years later, HE is my only constant.

This morning I woke up to two thoughts. OK, just one of them.. The second one was on a friend’s facebook status but fuelled my thoughts so. Sssshhh.

Quote 1: There’s nothing certain in this world but death and taxes – Benjamin Franklin.

Quote 2: The only constant is change – François de la Rochefoucauld

I don’t usually wake up super serious and on this deep reflective tip, I promise. Usually it’s an ”oh gosh, it’s morning already...” Or “ooh yay – another day!” but I digress. I’ll make my point later in this post.

3years ago, on a cold June evening…7.45pm to be precise...I gave birth to a little big (intentional) baby – Yeshua William, who was a whopping 3.8kgs! I remember hearing him cry, then giving out a sigh of relief. I turned to my mother and said “I’m alive mum, I’m alive!” My younger sister, Joan, then burst into the room – anxious excited to see her new nephew.

Yeshua taking a bath at 1month

As I lay back trying to process all that had just taken place, oblivious of the ooh-ing and aah-ing that was going on around me… I had just one thought. My life is over.

How was I going to do this? How was I going to be able to walk around under the judgmental, eyes I was sure to encounter? The gossipers would have a field day! How would I respond to the questions of how? And why? And.. and…and… *tears*

My dad and Yeshua at 1 month, 12 days :)

I was very far from God at this point in my life. I was so disconnected from everything to do with Him because I knew I had disappointed Him really bad and I couldn’t go to Church either. What would they have to say? Ah, I had been part of the Christian circles way too long to know what the ‘encouraging sister and well meaning brother’ would be ‘discussing as a prayer issue later. And then my family – let’s not even go there. Though they were all being extremely and supportive, you could always feel the atmosphere full of questions – how? Why? And my parents wondering how they possibly could have missed this – how did I fall so far and had they failed as parents?

Anyway, without depressing you further… Let me tell you briefly how the next 3 years panned out with me still very sane (chuckles). There were lots of tears, some periods of emptiness and confusion, lots of prayers (from very many people!), words of encouragement, hugs, love etc. But honestly my mother made the most difference. She determined to be a channel for God’s love, light and life to me… And through her I was able to get reconnected to the source of all those things.. His unwavering LOVE, LIGHT to overcome the darkness I was experiencing and LIFE… Sweet, abundant, rich, pure, God-filled Life.

3years on, I proudly declare to the world how happy I am that I have a son who’s happy, healthy and growing so fast it’s scary.

They say time’s a healer… I disagree. Time only gets people off you as the main subject of conversation to the next. But the scars, the heartache, the fear, they are only dulled temporarily. And whenever something new comes up, a question about your decisions feel like an attack on your character, etc– they (fear, heartache etc) are re-awakened and it feels like it al just happened yesterday and all the progress you made, crumbles in an instant.

God has been my healer and my restorer. My best friend. He’s loved me and guided me slowly but surely to the place I’m at currently. Where I can speak with confidence about the past, not to glorify it, but to glorify Him. Where I can be me without caring what anyone else thinks – the only approval I need is His.  I am free, happy, blessed, loved and full of excitement for life. I am me.

Yes, change is constant (they say), death and taxes are certain (they say)… but I have tested and found true – that despite the change, the constant reality of death and the darn Revenue Authorities always digging into our pockets – God has been my Rock. My unchanging Guide, my one and only Constant.

My mummy and Yeshua last month (2 years 10.5months)

Happy birthday Yeshua. I love you from here to forever. <3

Welcoming Bars VS Cold Churches

So today is one of those days I'm not feeling very Christian-y.. Not feeling overly inspired.. Somewhat like a drying up brook (I'm guessing this is how brooks feel-how am I supposed to know? Stop judging :P)

Anyway - in my non- christian-ness (ooh i have an entire dictionary of my own words, just in case you were wondering) I started wondering why people (Christians) rarely share their vulnerabilities..myself included! Never sharing how down we're feeling: how unworthy, undeserving, so lost and just..even sometimes afraid. We, for some reason, always have to be strong, be perfect, have all the answers, keep up the show.. Lest we be deemed not 'good enough' by the same family that's meant to understand God's grace at work in ALL our lives.

A good friend of mine yesterday night raised some valid points about the 'hypocrisy' of Christians. She pointed out how 'welcoming' bars/pubs are as opposed to churches. She noted how, regardless of what you wore to the bar, you'd always feel welcome, have a couple of hellos and people (at least pretending) to care about what's going on in your life. This she contrasted with the instant judgement one feels when you walk into a new church. Eyes glancing up and down your body-pretty clear about how you don't qualify to be there, based on what you're wearing. The worst, she says, is when you leave the service not having even one person say hello to you...and you make it a point never to return.

As she shared this with me, my heart bled. What use is our salvation if we are bound up (and blinded) by religion? Not able to see past fake smiles, dressing, church attendance, number of hallelujahs, amount of offering, etc. N not just toward the new comer. How genuine are you with your sisters and brothers in Christ? Be willing to be vulnerable, to be weak.. Sometimes your encouragement, breakthrough or simple hug is in a friend, and your sharing will encourage (other) younger believers...to know it's ok to have days like these.. When we feel like the next step could be the one that seals our fate. (Check this song out if you're there now.)

For the truth is.. It's not my feelings, neither is it my good works, nor my 'perfected christianism' that count for my salvation and or christianity. It's all a work of grace-given by God and sustained by Him.

I am weak, but He is my strength. I can not judge another, for I stand by His grace alone. I pray I'm not counted as part of the cold church... Judging, pointing fingers etc instead of smiling, being understanding etc. Take a moment to check yourself CHRISTIAN... Are u encouraging growth? or driving people to oh-so welcoming bars? 

Check this song out.. It's one of my favourites on this topic.

Take off the masks today... N let's change the cold churches into warm, welcoming REAL zones!!